april fools transfers

don’t mention it
it’s not something I want everyone to know
that I took a leap of faith
and failed
after selling my soul to a god
that tells me no
not here not now not yet
dear god why not — I am so ready
I was born for this
I prayed even
and sang psalms to reawaken
a love everlasting
fuck fasting
I need my protein
in order to art in heaven
I will play guitar alongside
your angels
or so help me
I will share flamacues
with the devil
but I’m wet
I’d probably douse the flames
I ran straight out
into the cold rain
and sputtered curses
and false comfort
“it’s okay
you’re only stuck here
forever
you’re not good enough
it’s okay
you only have to deal with
god awful engineers
it’s okay
no hell no
it’s not okay”
and up in the bleachers
I held onto the metals bars
so drenched
asking myself what comes next
as the cold air hit my chest
I wished for pneumonia
but then I wouldn’t be able to sing
for difficulty breathing
it doesn’t help that I have asthma
but I’d be damned
if I couldn’t feel above
like I always do
playing music and singing
what I felt was true

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